Trying To Make Peace

For those of you who followed my old blog, you know in the last few months over there I was going through a rough time. I was trying hard to figure out where my life was headed. It seemed to be heading down. Way down. A lot of it had to do with work....I'd say about 85% of it. I was there more than I was any place else. Even when I wasn't physically there, my mind was still there. I could not sleep. I'd wake up and be thinking about some stupid shit going on at work....or in some cases, stuff that wasn't going on that should have been. I was miserable.

I started seeing a counselor. I didn't want to, but I did. I just thought if I went and talked about my problems, it would just bring it all to the surface and it would be like going over the same ole stuff that I was trying to forget. Why would I want to rehash it all? But I went and amazingly, it helped. I don't know why, but it did. Nothing has really been resolved...there have not been all kinds of wondrous things to come out and explain things, but something did happen and I started to feel better. I was sleeping better, tho I still did wake up at odd hours. I started getting back into life slowly....progress was being made. Things are not great....far from it, but I am dealing. Doing well enough.

Than yesterday happened. Saturday.

I woke up at some ungodly hour and I felt the need to log into work. There was email from my boss. They have hired someone. This someone will be the person who is taking over and will be the contact for my boss when she goes on maternity leave at the end of the year. Now, I knew they were in the process of hiring someone. We need help. Things pretty much get piled up on one person day after day....me. So I knew help was being hired. However, what I didn't know was that this person was going to be coming in and taking the spot I thought I was going to take. I assumed I'd be the one to step in and take care of things while my boss was out. I figured the new person was there take over some of the tasks I do so I could move into "bigger" things. Get trained on new things and even get a reclass and more $$.

This is what I thought. I was clearly mistaken.

There is always the chance they do have bigger plans for me. But I just have a feeling things will just move along like they have been. Status quo. No changes for me. New person will swoop in and go on a learning spree and everyone will just be so amazed at her talents. She will thrive. And I will not.

I think I see my world taking another turn. Not a good one. I will go in tomorrow and ask if I'm right about all this or if I have missed the mark. Maybe they will give me good news. But I don't think so. If there were big plans for me, I think I'd have heard given the fact this new person has come in at a level above me. There is always the chance I'm totally wrong, but I don't think I am. I'd be really surprised if I am wrong about this.

No one likes to feel like they are not good enough. We all like to feel valued, needed, and worthy.

If tomorrow I find out that after nine years of work comes down to be passed over with no second thought, I don't know where I will be. I don't know what I will do. It will hurt. And I'm tired. I don't know what I will do.