We're Not Friends

I have an unusual relationship with my boss. Both my bosses actually. And when I say unusual, it's unusual for me because I've never had this kind of relationship with a boss before. It might not be that unusual for other people.

We were friends long before she was ever my boss. We worked in the same department in different areas and it never occurred to us that she'd ever be my boss. When it did happen, it was hard. I kind of thought it would be really easy. It was anything but that. She's an extremely hard person to work for. She expects everything but gives nothing. I had very little training. She was always gone. I always felt like a candle in the wind. When she did give training, it was tedious and uninformative. I usually had more questions that answers. The thing is, I knew about some of these traits before I worked for her, but because I was her friend, I thought it might be different with me. You know how friends lookout for their friends? Well, I was wrong about that. She doesn't do that. Like I said, candle in the wind. The saving grace in the beginning was she was only my supervisor and my boss was actually someone I did trust. So when things got unbearable, I had someone to go to. However, this eventually changed and she became a manager. A real mistake in my opinion. And other people feel the same way. She isn't manager material. But I digress. Back to our friendship. It became hard to be her friend and work for her, too. The way she treated/managed me was horrible. Honestly, it was. You don't just leave people in a new job to fend for themselves. And it was a technical position and I had no idea about how things worked. That's where training would have helped. So I ended up having a lot of resentment about it all. But she was clueless. She really was. Sometimes people act clueless, but they really know what's going on. She really was so wrapped up in herself that she never noticed what a struggle it was for me to figure things out and that she was at the root of the problem. She's one of those people who if you said something about it, she'd look at you all crazy because she was totally oblivious to any wrong doing on her part. She's still like that. She absolutely never takes responsibility for anything. If you tell her how you feel.....it's "I'm sorry you feel that way" with the implication the way you're feeling is beyond her control and it's your problem....you've chosen to feel that way.....has nothing to do with her. She's blind to the fact something has to happen to cause the feeling. Whatever event occurred manages to get squashed and your feelings become the focus...taking the focus off the event and making you look over emotional or too sensitive. It's really frustrating, as you can imagine. So I pulled away from her quite a bit. I only saw her at work and avoided any personal activity. She noticed this but didn't understand it. She made comments to me a few times that she missed our friendship. Kind of trying to ask me what the problem was. But I always managed to get away from talking about it with her. Like I said, she wouldn't understand my side of it. And I still have to work for her, so it's unproductive to have conversations with her about something she will never comprehend and would likely lead to an argument.

There are times when things get a little easier, but this isn't often. She is who she is and she'll never change. I know this. And as I get older I understand more. I've come to understand the way things are and just accept them. I was always waiting for things to change and, of course, they didn't and they never would. Waiting and hoping for something that will never be is disheartening. Your soul wants to shine brightly but the hope for something that won't happen is like a black spot on your soul that won't let the light through. When you let go of it, the black spot will be gone.

We're not friends. And my soul shines brighter now.